Memoirs of a Lesbian

Oh my god I'm Gay!!! A self realization story.

2008-08-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

I'm going to take you back in time to 1998, just before my 22nd birthday. I was young, athletic, tall feminine & slim; an all around "american college girl". I, at the time was dating a boy that was one of my best friends from highschool.

We had a good relationship, and did a lot of fun things together. We were both artists, and free spirits who always loved a good adventure. He was very kind, handsome, doting, and thoughtful. I cared for him. Yet, I always felt like there was something missing from our relationship. I loved him but, was not in love with him. That wasn't it either. There was something more to why I could not and did not fall for him, I just did not know what this strange feeling inside of me was.

A little history on me.....
My parents divorced by the time I was 8. My mom remarried when I was 12 to a great guy who took care of our family like we were his own. They were both strict and conservative; always meaning well, and looking out for our "best interest".

My biological father remarried and moved to Florida with his wife. My mother was bitter over the divorce, and invented ways for us to not see my dad, or would not let us know if he called or sent a card. Thus, I did not see him again until years later at his fathers funeral.

The lessons I learned at a young age...
My mom taught me "Values" like being gay was wrong and bad. She was biased against most people that were "different" than us. Our highschool and neighborhood was a typical middle class "all white" conservative suburb, which the residents matched many of the values of my mother. For a long time I tried to be like them. Monkey see, monkey do.

I too took on this persona often making slurs and tasteless jokes about gay people. I became a classic homophobic.

I was afraid that if spoke to, or became friends with someone who was gay, then everyone would think I was gay too. I avoided this genre of people like the plague. I never felt good doing it, but did it anyway to seek the approval of my peers, and family.

A little forward in time...

Years later, I found out my dads father had passed away. I hadn't seen or spoken to either in about eight years. I escaped to the funeral to pay my respects, and hopefully run into my long lost dad. He was there. We were happily reunited, on such a otherwise sad day.

We went out after the funeral with his side of the family. His sister was there, with a "friend" of hers. I was clueless at first but, soon learned that her friend was more than a friend.

I thought OH MY GOD, my aunt is gay. This is crazy! I was shocked, and freaked out at first.

Remember, I was taught that this was bad, a "sin". I could not believe that someone I was related to was actually gay! I was uncomfortable around her at first, only because I was uncomfortable around all gay people.

That fall I went to college, only to become completely mind blown at the diversity that I had never experienced growing up. There were people of every religion, race, culture, sexuality. WOW! Everything I had been sheltered from, I was experiencing for the very first time.

I joined the womens college soccer team. There I met a couple gay and bisexual girls on the team.

I calmed down on the gay jokes, but was still slightly Leary of making friends with them. It was my own fears still lingering from what I was taught growing up, that estranged me from a group of intelligent and respectable people. In fact I often went out of my way to brag about my relationship with my boyfriend to make sure everyone knew that I "was straight".

Forward in time...

So, back to my boyfriend just before my 22nd birthday. For spring break, we decided to go visit his sister and her husband in Ft. Lauderdale Florida; which is notoriously a gay friendly city.

I expressed how reluctant I was to run into any gay people. She enlightened me that she had many gay friends, and not to be worried. No one could or would do anything to me. No on will think I'm gay if I talk to them. No one can turn me gay. "They are people of flesh and blood, just like us," she had said.

We all went down to Key West for a few days, where I came face to face with a very attractive woman who was open about her sexuality. She looked at me, smiled, and began to make conversation with me. It was all small talk. I was taken by her beauty. I didn't think lesbians could be feminine and pretty. I felt flush all over, became uncomfortable again, and abruptly ended our conversation. My stomach had butterflies. WHY?

After we returned from Florida to New York, I felt strange inside. That girl.... She remained on my mind for some time.

Why was I thinking about this lesbian? Whats WRONG with me? I'm not gay. Am I?

My 22nd Birthday....The Epiphany

A few days after returning from Florida, we celebrated my birthday. I felt "different" after returning from that trip.

The morning of my birthday I looked into the mirror.
"What's going on with me?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why do I keep thinking about this girl."
"Am I attracted to her?"
"This is crazy!" "I have a boyfriend"
"I'm not in love with him though."
"I think I am attracted to her." "How can this be?"
"Oh my god, I must be attracted to her!"

I paused and stared pensively in the mirror for a long while. I thought back in time. There were indeed other women, for as long as I can remember being attracted to, or having some kind of crush on. I remember having a crush on my kindergarten teacher, the third grade girl down the hall, and numerous others after that. I always made the excuse that "I just want to be good friends with her." But it was in reality more than just wanting to be friends. Surely it was attraction. I never had this kind of feeling with ANY guy I ever dated.

I was in such a deep denial. I was brought up to "BE" straight. BUT, I WAS NOT straight; just living that way to appease everyone else!!!!

Finally, I came to terms with myself. I need to stop hiding my true feelings. I looked deeply into the mirror at my own eyes. "I think I'm gay."

I dumped my boyfriend that day.

I was never able to find that girl in Key West again. But, that incident, as innocent as it was, caused me to realize that I have feelings for women.

The truth of the matter...

I believe people are born gay.

I think often times people live a straight lifestyle only because they are taught that being gay, or having feelings for the same sex is wrong. I think it is ignorance.

It is a classic case of nature VS nurture, despite the nurture of us being taught that homosexuality is wrong, nature comes through and proves that it is within us from birth.

Please stop back for my post on how I came out to my family....This you will WANT to hear.

Don't forget to leave me your comments. I love to hear your thoughts.

States and Countries that allow gay marriage

2008-07-23T09:43:00.000-07:00

If your asking where gay marriage is legal, I have the 411 on what and where for your reference.

In the United States

Massacheusettes: The law to allow gay marriage was adopted in 2004. Currently, you must be a resident to be married there.

California: As of June 16, 2008 Gay and lesbian couples can legally be married.

Canada
All of Canada and Provinces adopted gay marriage as constitutional in June 2005.

Spain
As of June 2005 Spain also adopted the legalization of Gay marriage.

Belgium
The second country in the world to allow gay marriage was Belgium in 2003.

Netherlands
Holland A.K.A. The Netherlands was the very first country to legalize gay marriage as of 2001.

South Africa
Gay marriage became legal in November 2006.

There are several states and countries that also allow civil unions and or domestic partnerships. civil unions and or domestic partnerships are similar to marriage where couple have legal recognition, but at the cost of with a few less legal rights. Here is a short list of where civil unions/domestic partnerships are legal.

U.S.
Vermont, Connecticut, Maine, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Hawaii, Washington State, and Oregon.

In Europe
United Kingdom, Germany, France, Portugal, Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Iceland, Finland, and Switzerland; all allow civil unions or domestic partnerships.

New Zealand and Israel have also adopted the civil union policy in 2004.

Living 2 lives....my crazy gay world

2008-07-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

I am a gay woman, who was living a "straight" life. I worked for a rather large company of which I have never told anyone there I am gay. Let me make this very clear that was is a "straight" environment if you know what I mean.

Let me explain a little further.........

My first day on the job, I overheard a couple of employees laughing over an openly gay person that they know. You know, mocking them that they hold their breath while standing next to this person, and that they tighten their ass when they walk by.

Later that week I went out with a couple of new co-workers. Once again, the gay subject came up. This time it was "dykes" making out. The comment was of course was that these "dykes" need a good C@#k to turn em straight. And that the hot lesbians can "make out" with each other, and that they are really straight on the inside. (I know... it's appalling)

Both situations made me feel very uncomfortable and insecure about being open with my own sexuality. Thus, I chose to not let anyone know about me, in fear they would react in a similar negative manner.

Since I do not take on the so called "description" of a lesbian; they all assumed that I was straight. I played it off in a very nonchalant manner; Only laughing along with them about their heterosexual relationships, and straight oriented emails.

I was constantly hit on (not in a harassing manner...what can I say, I don't look "gay") by the bosses son, nephew, brother, cousin, or just in general by employees.

After being there for some time, questions began to arise about why I was not in a relationship. I usually avoided it by changing the subject, or simply saying that I do not want to be tied down, or I hate relationships, or I love my freedom, etc.

The TRUTH is, and little did they know that, not only am I in a relationship but, I was married in Canada that December of my first year on the job.

The people I befriended were always trying to set me up with "the man of my dreams". Each time I would decline, or find an excuse for why I was not interested.

Day to day activities with this job became more and more difficult.... playing the single straight girl who is secretly gay, and married.

Post work functions became a chore. I never showed up with a date, when clearly I would be able to easily get one. Holiday, and black tie, and other mandatory events were taking a strain on me. I became extremely stressed over the situation.

I began to think..."What did I do?" "What Have I gotten myself into?" "How can I be honest with the people I befriended here?" "What will they think if I tell them." "Will they feel betrayed?"

Finally one day, the bosses son, who by the way is a big mouth, asked me if I was gay.
I did not know what to say.
I felt that maybe I should be honest. I told him that yes, I have been with women, and that I am seeing someone now. (I never said I was married).

Of course he told his father, and anyone else who had ears.

Slowly but surely, I was "uninvited" to company events. For example, my whole department is sent on a couple conventions every year. Everyone was invited except for me. It had nothing to do with performance, or anything. I noticed less and less eye contact in my office with me. I felt a general sense of disrespect, and whispers as I would walk by.

A month later for no reason, I was layed off, with a few weeks of severance pay. I was never given a reason why. They simply called me in one day and was told that I was being let go. All of my reviews for the past 3 years had been absolutely gleaming with excellent employee reports (prior to my "outing" by the bosses son.)

Don't get me wrong...it was a blessing in disguise. Although bitter as to WHY I was let go, It got me out of a strange situation.

The moral of the story:

Yes I am queer. Yes I am here. Whether you are honest about your sexuality from day one or not, Some people still just don't understand about sexuality; even in 2008.

If you have a story, please share it with me. I would love to hear from you.

Gay and Marriage Part II

2008-07-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked about the process of getting married, not only as a lesbian marring her partner but, also about getting married in another country (where gay marriage is legal).

Some people asked us why we got married if it is not recognized in our own country.
It is a sad statement. It feels bad to know that as 2 consenting, intelligent adults, our marriage is not recognized because of the sex of the person we love.

Some say marriage is defined by a man and a woman. The way I see is is; Our country is divided by the decision that the legality of marriage is based on nothing more than a penis and a vagina!!

The answer to that question is simple; We made the decision mostly because we wanted to create a stronger bond between us.

In case you have not read my profile, I am an American Citizen who was married in Ontario, Canada a few years back.

My partner and I made the decision to get married, although at the time it was not recognized in the United States except for in Massachusetts. We thought, ok lets take a drive and get married. However, we soon learned that in order to be legally married in Massachusetts, we had to become residents of the state first. This would mean we would have to relocate, which we were not willing to do.

Since we lived much closer to Ontario Canada, and we did not have to be a resident, or even Canadian to be wedded, we decided it was the best option for us.

This process was actually pretty simple. We first visited the local city website http://www.niagarafalls.ca/ to see how to apply for a marriage license. We then went down to city hall together in Ontario (Niagara Falls). We showed our I.D., signed for the license, and were told the license would arrive in the mail. A week or two later, there it was as promised sitting in the mailbox.

The only thing left to do was find a reverend, or someone to marry us, and show up.
Okay, okay, its not that easy.... Getting married in general is just as stressful and hectic as any straight couple getting married.

We first checked out Justice of the peace. However, it was first come, first serve at city hall. Depending on how many people show up to be married that day, you'd arrive not knowing if you are going to be married.

Then we searched for gay reverend, and gay weddings in Ontario. In instant result came up. We began to call. Some reverends were booked, one did not honor or hold gay weddings. By the fifth phone call we found our reverend who was happy to marry us at a decent price.

We of course had to prepare for the wedding. I wont go into monotonous detail. I'll just say if any of you have been married, or stood up in a wedding, then you know all the little dainty details of what need to be done.

Thats it!!! We got married, in 2005, and have been happily married ever since.

Gay and Marriage

2008-07-10T10:20:00.000-07:00

One of the questions I am frequently asked by straight couples is: " is being in a gay marriage any different than being in a straight marriage?" and "Do one of you take on the 'masculine roll'?". It is always entertaining to have such interest and wonder of same sex culture.

To be honest, being in a gay marriage is really not different than being in a straight marriage, especially when it comes to house duties.

Gay or straight, both couples take on, and in most cases share daily house duties.
Like a straight marriage, in a gay marriage one person may take on one specific roll above another. For instance, one may cut the lawn, take out the trash, and do the general home repairs; while the other will attend to the laundry, cooking, and cleaning more often.
This however, does not mean that in the gay relationship one is more masculine/ feminine than the other. This is not to say that stereo-types do not exist. They do.

In my experience, I have found that many gay couples, seem to share the tasks more equally than many straight couples. As a not so stereotypical feminine gay woman who happens to be married, I can tell you that both my partner and I take turns sharing our household duties.

My partner and I hate house work; aka the evil necessity of a pretty place. Believe me when I say if we could hire a maid, we would. We try to be a bit creative when it comes to doing work and often place friendly bets during some of our many card games we play. Instead of money, we wager house duties. It makes mundane house tasks a bit more bearable; not to mention really fun when you bet on and win who takes the trash out for the next week.

As far as gender rolls go, I think it's pretty safe to say that neither one of us takes on a specific roll as a man and woman would. We share and share alike.

Aside from tasks, the toughest part about being in a gay marriage is the lack support from our own government. ( I am pretty sure I am not the only one out there who is gay and married). I am also so disgusted at the absolute ignorance our society at this day and age. People are ignorant if they do not understand. That is why I am here to share all of my experiences so others can learn that we are people too, doing the same thing as straight families...every single day.

1,500 animal species practice homosexuality

2008-07-01T06:28:00.000-07:00

I thought this information would be not only important information to post, but pertinent to the fact that homosexuality, and bisexuality is indeed NOT limited to the human race.

This is a list of sites that offer the research, and documentation of animal sexuality.
Please click on the links below for your reference and perusal:

MSNBC News

Medical news

National Geographic

Wikipedia

Pride and Prejudice

Human Truth

babelgum.com internet tv

softpedia.com

Gay Statistics

Please comment on my blog. I would love to hear your insights!!!