Oh my god I'm Gay!!! A self realization story.

I'm going to take you back in time to 1998, just before my 22nd birthday. I was young, athletic, tall feminine & slim; an all around "american college girl". I, at the time was dating a boy that was one of my best friends from highschool.

We had a good relationship, and did a lot of fun things together. We were both artists, and free spirits who always loved a good adventure. He was very kind, handsome, doting, and thoughtful. I cared for him. Yet, I always felt like there was something missing from our relationship. I loved him but, was not in love with him. That wasn't it either. There was something more to why I could not and did not fall for him, I just did not know what this strange feeling inside of me was.

A little history on me.....
My parents divorced by the time I was 8. My mom remarried when I was 12 to a great guy who took care of our family like we were his own. They were both strict and conservative; always meaning well, and looking out for our "best interest".

My biological father remarried and moved to Florida with his wife. My mother was bitter over the divorce, and invented ways for us to not see my dad, or would not let us know if he called or sent a card. Thus, I did not see him again until years later at his fathers funeral.

The lessons I learned at a young age...
My mom taught me "Values" like being gay was wrong and bad. She was biased against most people that were "different" than us. Our highschool and neighborhood was a typical middle class "all white" conservative suburb, which the residents matched many of the values of my mother. For a long time I tried to be like them. Monkey see, monkey do.

I too took on this persona often making slurs and tasteless jokes about gay people. I became a classic homophobic.

I was afraid that if spoke to, or became friends with someone who was gay, then everyone would think I was gay too. I avoided this genre of people like the plague. I never felt good doing it, but did it anyway to seek the approval of my peers, and family.

A little forward in time...

Years later, I found out my dads father had passed away. I hadn't seen or spoken to either in about eight years. I escaped to the funeral to pay my respects, and hopefully run into my long lost dad. He was there. We were happily reunited, on such a otherwise sad day.

We went out after the funeral with his side of the family. His sister was there, with a "friend" of hers. I was clueless at first but, soon learned that her friend was more than a friend.

I thought OH MY GOD, my aunt is gay. This is crazy! I was shocked, and freaked out at first.

Remember, I was taught that this was bad, a "sin". I could not believe that someone I was related to was actually gay! I was uncomfortable around her at first, only because I was uncomfortable around all gay people.

That fall I went to college, only to become completely mind blown at the diversity that I had never experienced growing up. There were people of every religion, race, culture, sexuality. WOW! Everything I had been sheltered from, I was experiencing for the very first time.

I joined the womens college soccer team. There I met a couple gay and bisexual girls on the team.

I calmed down on the gay jokes, but was still slightly Leary of making friends with them. It was my own fears still lingering from what I was taught growing up, that estranged me from a group of intelligent and respectable people. In fact I often went out of my way to brag about my relationship with my boyfriend to make sure everyone knew that I "was straight".

Forward in time...

So, back to my boyfriend just before my 22nd birthday. For spring break, we decided to go visit his sister and her husband in Ft. Lauderdale Florida; which is notoriously a gay friendly city.

I expressed how reluctant I was to run into any gay people. She enlightened me that she had many gay friends, and not to be worried. No one could or would do anything to me. No on will think I'm gay if I talk to them. No one can turn me gay. "They are people of flesh and blood, just like us," she had said.

We all went down to Key West for a few days, where I came face to face with a very attractive woman who was open about her sexuality. She looked at me, smiled, and began to make conversation with me. It was all small talk. I was taken by her beauty. I didn't think lesbians could be feminine and pretty. I felt flush all over, became uncomfortable again, and abruptly ended our conversation. My stomach had butterflies. WHY?

After we returned from Florida to New York, I felt strange inside. That girl.... She remained on my mind for some time.

Why was I thinking about this lesbian? Whats WRONG with me? I'm not gay. Am I?

My 22nd Birthday....The Epiphany

A few days after returning from Florida, we celebrated my birthday. I felt "different" after returning from that trip.

The morning of my birthday I looked into the mirror.
"What's going on with me?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why do I keep thinking about this girl."
"Am I attracted to her?"
"This is crazy!" "I have a boyfriend"
"I'm not in love with him though."
"I think I am attracted to her." "How can this be?"
"Oh my god, I must be attracted to her!"

I paused and stared pensively in the mirror for a long while. I thought back in time. There were indeed other women, for as long as I can remember being attracted to, or having some kind of crush on. I remember having a crush on my kindergarten teacher, the third grade girl down the hall, and numerous others after that. I always made the excuse that "I just want to be good friends with her." But it was in reality more than just wanting to be friends. Surely it was attraction. I never had this kind of feeling with ANY guy I ever dated.

I was in such a deep denial. I was brought up to "BE" straight. BUT, I WAS NOT straight; just living that way to appease everyone else!!!!

Finally, I came to terms with myself. I need to stop hiding my true feelings. I looked deeply into the mirror at my own eyes. "I think I'm gay."

I dumped my boyfriend that day.

I was never able to find that girl in Key West again. But, that incident, as innocent as it was, caused me to realize that I have feelings for women.

The truth of the matter...

I believe people are born gay.

I think often times people live a straight lifestyle only because they are taught that being gay, or having feelings for the same sex is wrong. I think it is ignorance.

It is a classic case of nature VS nurture, despite the nurture of us being taught that homosexuality is wrong, nature comes through and proves that it is within us from birth.



Please stop back for my post on how I came out to my family....This you will WANT to hear.

Don't forget to leave me your comments. I love to hear your thoughts.