Oh my god I'm Gay!!! A self realization story.

I'm going to take you back in time to 1998, just before my 22nd birthday. I was young, athletic, tall feminine & slim; an all around "american college girl". I, at the time was dating a boy that was one of my best friends from highschool.

We had a good relationship, and did a lot of fun things together. We were both artists, and free spirits who always loved a good adventure. He was very kind, handsome, doting, and thoughtful. I cared for him. Yet, I always felt like there was something missing from our relationship. I loved him but, was not in love with him. That wasn't it either. There was something more to why I could not and did not fall for him, I just did not know what this strange feeling inside of me was.

A little history on me.....
My parents divorced by the time I was 8. My mom remarried when I was 12 to a great guy who took care of our family like we were his own. They were both strict and conservative; always meaning well, and looking out for our "best interest".

My biological father remarried and moved to Florida with his wife. My mother was bitter over the divorce, and invented ways for us to not see my dad, or would not let us know if he called or sent a card. Thus, I did not see him again until years later at his fathers funeral.

The lessons I learned at a young age...
My mom taught me "Values" like being gay was wrong and bad. She was biased against most people that were "different" than us. Our highschool and neighborhood was a typical middle class "all white" conservative suburb, which the residents matched many of the values of my mother. For a long time I tried to be like them. Monkey see, monkey do.

I too took on this persona often making slurs and tasteless jokes about gay people. I became a classic homophobic.

I was afraid that if spoke to, or became friends with someone who was gay, then everyone would think I was gay too. I avoided this genre of people like the plague. I never felt good doing it, but did it anyway to seek the approval of my peers, and family.

A little forward in time...

Years later, I found out my dads father had passed away. I hadn't seen or spoken to either in about eight years. I escaped to the funeral to pay my respects, and hopefully run into my long lost dad. He was there. We were happily reunited, on such a otherwise sad day.

We went out after the funeral with his side of the family. His sister was there, with a "friend" of hers. I was clueless at first but, soon learned that her friend was more than a friend.

I thought OH MY GOD, my aunt is gay. This is crazy! I was shocked, and freaked out at first.

Remember, I was taught that this was bad, a "sin". I could not believe that someone I was related to was actually gay! I was uncomfortable around her at first, only because I was uncomfortable around all gay people.

That fall I went to college, only to become completely mind blown at the diversity that I had never experienced growing up. There were people of every religion, race, culture, sexuality. WOW! Everything I had been sheltered from, I was experiencing for the very first time.

I joined the womens college soccer team. There I met a couple gay and bisexual girls on the team.

I calmed down on the gay jokes, but was still slightly Leary of making friends with them. It was my own fears still lingering from what I was taught growing up, that estranged me from a group of intelligent and respectable people. In fact I often went out of my way to brag about my relationship with my boyfriend to make sure everyone knew that I "was straight".

Forward in time...

So, back to my boyfriend just before my 22nd birthday. For spring break, we decided to go visit his sister and her husband in Ft. Lauderdale Florida; which is notoriously a gay friendly city.

I expressed how reluctant I was to run into any gay people. She enlightened me that she had many gay friends, and not to be worried. No one could or would do anything to me. No on will think I'm gay if I talk to them. No one can turn me gay. "They are people of flesh and blood, just like us," she had said.

We all went down to Key West for a few days, where I came face to face with a very attractive woman who was open about her sexuality. She looked at me, smiled, and began to make conversation with me. It was all small talk. I was taken by her beauty. I didn't think lesbians could be feminine and pretty. I felt flush all over, became uncomfortable again, and abruptly ended our conversation. My stomach had butterflies. WHY?

After we returned from Florida to New York, I felt strange inside. That girl.... She remained on my mind for some time.

Why was I thinking about this lesbian? Whats WRONG with me? I'm not gay. Am I?

My 22nd Birthday....The Epiphany

A few days after returning from Florida, we celebrated my birthday. I felt "different" after returning from that trip.

The morning of my birthday I looked into the mirror.
"What's going on with me?"
"What's wrong with me?"
"Why do I keep thinking about this girl."
"Am I attracted to her?"
"This is crazy!" "I have a boyfriend"
"I'm not in love with him though."
"I think I am attracted to her." "How can this be?"
"Oh my god, I must be attracted to her!"

I paused and stared pensively in the mirror for a long while. I thought back in time. There were indeed other women, for as long as I can remember being attracted to, or having some kind of crush on. I remember having a crush on my kindergarten teacher, the third grade girl down the hall, and numerous others after that. I always made the excuse that "I just want to be good friends with her." But it was in reality more than just wanting to be friends. Surely it was attraction. I never had this kind of feeling with ANY guy I ever dated.

I was in such a deep denial. I was brought up to "BE" straight. BUT, I WAS NOT straight; just living that way to appease everyone else!!!!

Finally, I came to terms with myself. I need to stop hiding my true feelings. I looked deeply into the mirror at my own eyes. "I think I'm gay."

I dumped my boyfriend that day.

I was never able to find that girl in Key West again. But, that incident, as innocent as it was, caused me to realize that I have feelings for women.

The truth of the matter...

I believe people are born gay.

I think often times people live a straight lifestyle only because they are taught that being gay, or having feelings for the same sex is wrong. I think it is ignorance.

It is a classic case of nature VS nurture, despite the nurture of us being taught that homosexuality is wrong, nature comes through and proves that it is within us from birth.



Please stop back for my post on how I came out to my family....This you will WANT to hear.

Don't forget to leave me your comments. I love to hear your thoughts.

States and Countries that allow gay marriage

If your asking where gay marriage is legal, I have the 411 on what and where for your reference.

In the United States

Massacheusettes: The law to allow gay marriage was adopted in 2004. Currently, you must be a resident to be married there.

California: As of June 16, 2008 Gay and lesbian couples can legally be married.

Canada
All of Canada and Provinces adopted gay marriage as constitutional in June 2005.

Spain
As of June 2005 Spain also adopted the legalization of Gay marriage.

Belgium
The second country in the world to allow gay marriage was Belgium in 2003.

Netherlands
Holland A.K.A. The Netherlands was the very first country to legalize gay marriage as of 2001.

South Africa
Gay marriage became legal in November 2006.

There are several states and countries that also allow civil unions and or domestic partnerships. civil unions and or domestic partnerships are similar to marriage where couple have legal recognition, but at the cost of with a few less legal rights. Here is a short list of where civil unions/domestic partnerships are legal.

U.S.
Vermont, Connecticut, Maine, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Hawaii, Washington State, and Oregon.

In Europe
United Kingdom, Germany, France, Portugal, Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Iceland, Finland, and Switzerland; all allow civil unions or domestic partnerships.


New Zealand and Israel have also adopted the civil union policy in 2004.

Living 2 lives....my crazy gay world

I am a gay woman, who was living a "straight" life. I worked for a rather large company of which I have never told anyone there I am gay. Let me make this very clear that was is a "straight" environment if you know what I mean.

Let me explain a little further.........

My first day on the job, I overheard a couple of employees laughing over an openly gay person that they know. You know, mocking them that they hold their breath while standing next to this person, and that they tighten their ass when they walk by.

Later that week I went out with a couple of new co-workers. Once again, the gay subject came up. This time it was "dykes" making out. The comment was of course was that these "dykes" need a good C@#k to turn em straight. And that the hot lesbians can "make out" with each other, and that they are really straight on the inside. (I know... it's appalling)

Both situations made me feel very uncomfortable and insecure about being open with my own sexuality. Thus, I chose to not let anyone know about me, in fear they would react in a similar negative manner.

Since I do not take on the so called "description" of a lesbian; they all assumed that I was straight. I played it off in a very nonchalant manner; Only laughing along with them about their heterosexual relationships, and straight oriented emails.

I was constantly hit on (not in a harassing manner...what can I say, I don't look "gay") by the bosses son, nephew, brother, cousin, or just in general by employees.

After being there for some time, questions began to arise about why I was not in a relationship. I usually avoided it by changing the subject, or simply saying that I do not want to be tied down, or I hate relationships, or I love my freedom, etc.

The TRUTH is, and little did they know that, not only am I in a relationship but, I was married in Canada that December of my first year on the job.

The people I befriended were always trying to set me up with "the man of my dreams". Each time I would decline, or find an excuse for why I was not interested.

Day to day activities with this job became more and more difficult.... playing the single straight girl who is secretly gay, and married.

Post work functions became a chore. I never showed up with a date, when clearly I would be able to easily get one. Holiday, and black tie, and other mandatory events were taking a strain on me. I became extremely stressed over the situation.

I began to think..."What did I do?" "What Have I gotten myself into?" "How can I be honest with the people I befriended here?" "What will they think if I tell them." "Will they feel betrayed?"

Finally one day, the bosses son, who by the way is a big mouth, asked me if I was gay.
I did not know what to say.
I felt that maybe I should be honest. I told him that yes, I have been with women, and that I am seeing someone now. (I never said I was married).

Of course he told his father, and anyone else who had ears.

Slowly but surely, I was "uninvited" to company events. For example, my whole department is sent on a couple conventions every year. Everyone was invited except for me. It had nothing to do with performance, or anything. I noticed less and less eye contact in my office with me. I felt a general sense of disrespect, and whispers as I would walk by.

A month later for no reason, I was layed off, with a few weeks of severance pay. I was never given a reason why. They simply called me in one day and was told that I was being let go. All of my reviews for the past 3 years had been absolutely gleaming with excellent employee reports (prior to my "outing" by the bosses son.)

Don't get me wrong...it was a blessing in disguise. Although bitter as to WHY I was let go, It got me out of a strange situation.


The moral of the story:

Yes I am queer. Yes I am here. Whether you are honest about your sexuality from day one or not, Some people still just don't understand about sexuality; even in 2008.

If you have a story, please share it with me. I would love to hear from you.